Ways to praise a child. How to properly praise and encourage children

Do I know that you cannot teach a child to do anything for the sake of praise (read - evaluation)? I know, of course, how not to know. This is written on almost every fence. Well, if not on the fence, then certainly in every book, on every forum and on every social network.

Do I praise children in moderation and “correctly” (that is, in accordance with what is written in books)? Rarely. Most often, stupid phrases roll off the tongue like “you’re just great!”, “you’re my smart girl,” or something else good, “you’re my sweet pie.” Goes to both daughter and son. I guessed that something needed to be done about this, not even because the authors of smart books about raising children spent a lot of time to develop the only correct approach to this problem. Something else alarmed me. The other day I was making another soup and Nika came up to me with this constructive proposal: “Mom, let me build a castle out of Lego, and you will praise me and be happy, because little people will live in the castle.” No, well, I will certainly be happy and, of course, praise you. But what is the formulation of the question?

My journey as a mother began with one of the books where it was written that a child needs approval, praise and all kinds of support from his parents. I don’t remember how much detail this topic was covered there, but since then I have become so accustomed to praising, admiring and giving evaluations that I completely stopped noticing the other side of the coin, where excessive praise can cause harm. Therefore, now I seriously decided to correct my reckless behavior and began to figure it out.

In the book How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish rightly noted: “Praise is a very difficult matter.” It’s not easy, because it can cause a completely different effect than you expect.

What are the dangers of excessive praise? Such defamations, like “we are the most talented in the world”, “you are the most honest”, “you are the most conscientious”, can lead to the child feeling: parents deliberately exaggerate his merits, he is not so conscientious and is not always honest , he already knows that himself. And the result is anxiety. The child feels that he “falls short” of the high bar set by his parents. If he knows that somewhere he does not correspond to his assessment characteristics, he risks focusing on his shortcomings or even suspecting his parents of an attempt to manipulate.

“The psychologist knows that children seek to get rid of global praise - it is too tiring,” write Faber and Mazlish in their other book, Free Parents, Free Children.

Tracy Catchlow, in her book 0 to 5, supports this theory and also examines the effects of general praise and performance-specific praise. Sooner or later, she notes, children develop either a predetermination mindset or a development mindset. The first is the feeling that your innate abilities are all you have. The second is the understanding that the more you work, the more you get. It is not difficult to guess that the latter are more successful and hardworking. And those children who are praised precisely for their actions come to the development mindset.

When I praise my children, I aim to bolster their self-esteem. And this is a wonderful way, if only you use it correctly.

There is such a thing as descriptive praise. The adult respectfully describes what he sees or feels. Then the child, having heard the description, is able to praise himself.

I remember how I came to a seminar with the author of the book “The Miracle of Montessori” Elena Timoshenko. In particular, it was about the fact that it is impossible to evaluate a child. Then I was more indignant than I understood the principle: how then can I explain to a child where he is right and where he is wrong?! And the example of descriptive praise really helps not to evaluate, but to take a qualitative and attentive approach to the child’s actions.

Nika eventually built her own castle from a construction set. One wall was significantly higher than the others, the inhabitants of the castle were lying on the floor, as if after an earthquake, it was clear that the daughter was distracted by something, and she became bored with finishing the job. Before giving the child the promised praise, I wondered how she would feel when I gave my standard “oh, this is the best castle I’ve ever seen.” Surely she will understand that this is a trick for the sake of a trick, that this is far from the best lock she is capable of. She knows that she was distracted and did not complete the work. I said: “I like how you placed columns throughout the hall and provided two windows in the wall of the castle, now its inhabitants will be more comfortable.” “Yes, mom, and they will be able to admire the sunrise when they wake up,” Nika exclaimed and with renewed vigor she went to “wake up” the princes, princesses, elephants and giraffes that were lying around. It turns out that descriptive praise not only inspired, but also aroused new interest in the matter. And, obviously, it helped me take a step towards a development mindset.

When we talk about praise, we must also talk about criticism. Firstly, these two concepts are somehow nearby. Both are characteristics of the child’s actions. The main secret here is that criticism can, and sometimes should, turn into praise.

Let's imagine a schoolchild's notebook. The dictation is written in terrible handwriting without a single mistake. What does an ordinary teacher write in red ink with an exclamation point? That's right, he writes: “Disgusting handwriting!” Does the teacher write some kind of remark that the student tried hard and did not make a single mistake in the dictation? No, most often he doesn’t write. And what does the child see? He sees red ink everywhere: disgusting handwriting, a missing comma (who cares if it's the only one on three pages, and even left out due to inattention? No one will figure it out, excuses are not accepted), he counted incorrectly, didn't draw a margin, or worse : I did not use the solution that was in the textbook.

My children are not even schoolchildren yet, so examples come to my mind only from my personal practice. Already in the first grade I could count well for my age. Dad taught me to add and subtract three-digit numbers in my head, and also solve examples with negative numbers. And now, a math lesson. Checking homework. There was an example in the workbook: 3-5=? I wrote the answer: -2. The teacher walks through the rows and checks who decided what and how. The whole class raises their hands: “There’s a typo here, there’s a typo here.” I know that negative numbers don’t work in first grade, but I can solve it, why not solve it? Do you know what my teacher told me when she saw the correct answer? She said, "Don't ever do that!" This happened more than 20 years ago, but I remember everything as it is now. I was shocked. And I'm still in shock. At that moment, I learned what injustice is, realized that no one at school would encourage any additional knowledge, and most importantly, for the first time I thought about how teachers behave and how they should behave.

However, there are different teachers, here’s what, for example, Olga Vasilyevna Uzorova, a practicing teacher, author of textbooks for preschoolers and elementary schools, told me on the topic of correct praise: “Many children happily go to school on September 1. But not even a week passes before the word “school” causes more and more melancholy in the child.

Why? How can this be fixed?

A situation of success is very important for any child. If your child is a schoolchild, then it is important for him to be successful in this social role.

Of course, schools have an individual approach to students. But the best way to find an individual approach to your child is his family. No one, except the closest person, will be able to see the very first microsteps of the first victory: “the tail of the letter U turned out just great”! And it doesn’t matter that this is the word “fishing rod”, in which the remaining letters, including the first element of the letter U, turned out terrible, turn out the lights.

Because the first success that is noticed inspires the child, he begins to believe in himself. Lots and lots of support for the child - and your strengthened baby will joyfully and confidently walk along the Road of Knowledge.”

Olga Uzorova, Yulia Gippenreiter, Faber and Mazlish, Tracy Catchlow, Maria Montessori, Elena Timoshenko, Richard Templar - I so wanted to figure out how to praise children that I turned to the opinions of each of these authors. It turned out that all of them, although they use different terms, offer essentially the same solution: the child should be praised for his actions. As a mother, it became much easier for me when I realized this.

My two-year-old son came up to me with a craft from kindergarten. It was a cucumber cut out of green colored paper with plasticine “pimples” glued on. The child looked solemn. I gathered all my knowledge into a fist and said: “Slavochka! This is the best craft ever! I have you...” I stopped before saying “the best artist.” Habit has overcome all my knowledge. It's not as easy as it seemed. “You cut out this cucumber so smoothly and placed all the plasticine circles realistically,” I gathered myself. The son beamed.

Incorrect praise can:

Make you doubt who is praising.
Lead to immediate rebuttal.
Presage trouble.
Make you focus on your shortcomings.
Cause anxiety or interfere with your activities.
Perceived as manipulation.

How to praise a child correctly:

Focus on the child’s actions and actions, pay attention to details.
From everything your child has done, choose what turned out best.
Use descriptive praise.
Summarize: “you worked hard,” “that’s what I call perseverance,” “you can be proud of yourself.”
Avoid global praise, it can cause harm.
Avoid praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures.
Make sure your immense enthusiasm matches your child's desire to achieve something on their own.
If you have given free rein to your initial reaction, you must learn to supplement it with deeper observations.
If you want to praise something that should have happened anyway, you can say something about your feelings, for example, “I especially enjoyed today’s family dinner.”
Avoid the phrase “I knew you would succeed.” You didn't know and couldn't know. And the child may feel that his efforts were not taken into account.
Accept children's mistakes and see them as part of the learning process.
When praising or criticizing, do not allow yourself to compare your child with anyone.

Everyone appreciates praise. What is her role?

It encourages action. A person wants to do something that is assessed positively by other people. This is especially true for children. They need to be trained to do certain things or what not to do. Moreover, learning takes place better not in the form of a ban, but with the help of this same praise. But if a person is praised incorrectly, the result can be costly.

So, should we praise the child or not? And how to praise a child correctly in order to maintain control over him?

Baklava sweetens the mouth, praise sweetens the ears.
Ashot Nadanyan

Why does a child need praise?

Our brain has a pleasure center that is responsible for forming attachments. A person receives pleasure for a specific biological and social purpose. This is motivation. It encourages a person to perform socially useful actions. If a person does not receive praise, his pleasure center does not form an addiction to certain actions, and this can negatively affect his relationship with the world.

If a child is praised, two benefits occur simultaneously:

The little man wants to do this more so that he can be praised.
He becomes attached to his parents, which has a beneficial effect on his upbringing.

It is important to say that these points will not exist if the child is praised incorrectly. Next, we will look at them in more detail and what destroys them.

Principles of correct praise of a child?

It is impossible to say for sure which is correct. It is important to understand that all the principles that will be revealed now do not necessarily have to be done with one hundred percent consistency. You can sometimes break them. But these are special cases. And in most situations this is the only way to act.

Let's list the principles by which you need to praise a child.

“Why do children refuse when I praise them? I tell my daughter that she is smart, and in response I hear the answer: “No, Lisa is smarter!” I say that she is beautiful, and she: “I’m fat!” I say she is a wonderful big sister and a gifted artist. And the daughter immediately kicks her younger brother and says that she doesn’t know how to draw. Sometimes it seems to me that she is trying to prove to me that I am wrong!

It's even worse with my eldest son. During training, he threw the ball into the basket and finally hit it. I shouted: “Hurray! Great! You are a real basketball player!” He threw the ball aside and left. I don't understand. Every time I try to praise my children, my words have the opposite effect.”

Why does some praise only make things worse?

Many parents face this problem. Typically, a child's negative reaction to praise occurs when a positive assessment is given to a person and not to his action. “You are a real basketball player!” or “You are so great!”

Also avoid generic words such as “smart,” “handsome,” and “wonderful.” Their use not only forces you to focus on your own shortcomings, but also pushes you to stop trying. If I’m already wonderful, then there’s no need to try or take risks. What if next time I fail to comply?

What words should you choose to really praise a child?

How to praise correctly?

Correct praise gives confidence and the desire to continue working. If we want to help children believe in themselves, then we need to forget words like “good”, “excellent”, “fantastic”, “best”.

1. Describe your feelings

Are you expected to receive praise? Describe how you feel: “I see you tried to solve the problem in different ways. I like the one you chose.”

"Hooray! The ball went straight into the basket. What an accurate throw! I liked the way you did it."

“I appreciate your help. Thank you for leaving your business. I'm very pleased".

“I like this picture. The bird on it looks like it’s alive!”

“Every time I remember that joke of yours, I can’t help but laugh.”

When you describe to your child what you see or feel, it has an almost magical effect on him. With your words, you not only confirm the value of your child’s efforts, but also give him confidence. And thereby motivate him to further efforts.

After such correct praise, the child will begin to think: “Yes, I didn’t train until I managed to throw the ball into the basket...”, “The more I draw, the better I do...”, “I can be kind.” , “I can joke...”

Have no doubt: this is exactly how everything will be! Describe your feelings and impressions to your child. By doing this, you will not only show him that you really like the result, but you will also be able to strengthen his confidence in himself and his abilities, and also instill a sense of responsibility.

2. Summarize and list what you see

A three-year-old kid runs up to you and timidly holds out a drawing. A blue blot on small green legs, here and there smaller yellow spots. While you are wondering what it could be, the child is waiting for your assessment.

Many parents immediately brush it off with the phrase: “Yes, beautiful, well done.” But these are not the words your baby expects.

You can also answer: “Something strange... Hippopotamus? Something doesn’t look like it, come on, I’ll show you how to draw it.” But this option will also be wrong. Someone else's stamp will replace the baby's own vision.

So what should we do? The child is still standing and anxiously awaits your reaction.

Take the drawing and look at it carefully, and then say with approval in your voice: “You drew something big and blue... I see little green legs... and yellow dots. And here there is still an empty place..."

By listing the details, you are showing interest in them, rather than judging the work - which is good. You celebrate the fact that the baby worked, and not how he did it. As a rule, this approach immediately establishes the right contact - the child, picking up the words of the adult, enthusiastically continues: “This is a hippopotamus! At first I wanted to draw an elephant, but I didn’t succeed. Here the yellow is flowers. And there will be another tree here, I’ll draw it now...”

You will feel how your baby's mood changes. Now the child is involved in communication, he is no longer subject to authoritative opinion and is able to evaluate his own work. But at the very beginning it still depended on your assessment. But during the conversation, the kid received the desired approval and felt genuine interest in his activity.

Here are examples of a summary performance assessment:

“I immediately realized that you were rehearsing. Your fingers remember the entire piece to the last note. I would call it persistence."

“I noticed that you left the last piece of cake for your sister. Now that's willpower! I’m glad you thought about Marus.”

“You washed all the dishes! How clean! This is responsibility."

What if there is nothing to praise for?

This also happens. Imagine: morning, you are late for work, and your daughter can barely tie her sneaker. Or it’s already late in the evening, and your teenage son hasn’t even thought about sitting down to his homework.

There are times when parents really want to tell their children everything they think:

“Well, why are you doing everything so slowly! How long can you dress up!”

“If you sat down to study right after school, instead of playing stupid video games, you would have completed your homework a long time ago! You always leave everything until the last minute!”

Do not do this under any circumstances: act wisely. As the saying goes: “Be silent until your thoughts become censored and ethical.” Take a deep breath and try to follow our advice: describe your child's achievements out loud. Retell everything he has already done:

“So, you washed your face, got dressed, all you have to do is tie your shoelaces and you’re ready!”

“Let's look together... three math tasks... yes, not easy. I see you did these in class. If you start now, you can do everything in half an hour. If you have any questions, ask, I’ll help you.”

This is how we celebrate the progress achieved (even if small), neutralize a possible conflict situation, avoid mutual reproaches and instill in the child confidence and the desire to continue trying.

What if my child is hypersensitive?

Some children get terribly upset if they have done something wrong. They react very sharply to comments and to their own mistakes. One mother told how her three-year-old son, turning to her with a question, accidentally spilled juice from a cup on his shirt and on the floor. The child began to cry hysterically.

Kolya! - the mother said solemnly and calmly, - you made a discovery!

The boy stopped crying and looked at her in surprise. The mother continued in the same tone:

You just discovered that when you shake the cup, the juice can spill!

After some time, my grandmother came to visit. She put her purse and glasses on the table. Then she remembered that she needed to take medicine. She reached for her purse and dropped her glasses. In her hearts, the grandmother exclaimed:

Kolya solemnly said:

Grandma, you just made a discovery!
- Which one? - the woman was surprised.
- If you put glasses on your bag, they may fall!
- Well, that's it! - the grandmother answered admiringly and kissed the baby. - I'll remember this!

Summarizing

We have shared with you basic praise techniques that you can safely use in your parenting practice. Follow these simple rules:

1. Describe your feelings:

Do you like my drawing?
- I see you tried very hard!

2. Summarize what you see:

Do you like my drawing?
- I see a house, grass, a pipe, but what is this?

3. Describe everything that has already been done:

I'm bored of finishing this picture.
- You have already drawn a house, grass, a pipe, but here there is just a little free space left.

4. Hurray, discovery!

I accidentally ripped a hole in my drawing... (tears, frustration)
- Vasya! You just made a discovery: if you rub wet paper with an eraser, the paper can tear.

ON THE. KRASNOVA,
school No. 48, Krasnoyarsk

Words of praise and blame in pedagogical speech

“How terrible they speak!” – we often exclaim, listening to the speech of our growing children. Indeed, slang words, a vocabulary like Ellochka Shchukina’s, and even these few words cannot be connected, the rudeness is simply deadly. Sad? Not that word. Why do our children say this? What influences their speech? “It’s a strange question,” many will say. “Television, films, especially Western ones, the street, family.” What about school? After all, a school-age child spends most of his day (from approximately 8 a.m. to 3 p.m.) at school. And he communicates at school not only with poorly speaking teenagers like him, but also with smart, educated, polite teachers.

I assure you, there is no sarcasm in the last phrase. Most of the teachers in our school are really smart, educated and polite. And, of course, the speech of teachers cannot but influence the formation of the personality of a growing person.

However, as sad experience shows, it has very little effect. What's the matter?

To answer this question, my school students Yana Berezhnykh, Nastya Dobrova and Katya Laletina and I observed teachers’ speech for two years. Our colleagues and their students helped us. We received serious help from the head of the School of Young Philologist A.N. Speranskaya. We have identified several main situations of communication between a student and a teacher: the beginning of the working day, the beginning and end of a lesson, communication during the preparation of extracurricular activities, and others. We did not consider the teacher’s speech during the explanation of new material, since the speech is mainly monologue. We paid attention to such communication situations when the teacher comes into direct contact with the student. Some of the results of our observation seemed interesting to me. We decided to look at what words the teacher used to start a student’s working day, and asked the children to write down the first phrase the teacher said to them today. About three hundred people were interviewed. It is gratifying that for half of the respondents the working day began with a greeting: Hello! Good morning! Welcome! The second half was less fortunate. Guess: what phrases came in second place? Right! These were phrases regarding replacement shoes: Don't jostle around the table, you're not a clubfoot! Yeah!!! When you knock, you need to open the door yourself, and you need to knock harder! Signor Tomato with green specks!

Draw conclusions about the mood in which the student begins his working day and what good speaking skills he acquires.

Then we got answers to the question: what words do teachers use to start and end lessons? It turned out that out of forty lessons, only four began with a greeting. These were foreign language lessons. Of course, other teachers also say hello, but before the greeting they say different words. Most often these are calls for silence and order: Stand up straight. Quiet. Shut your mouths!, and sometimes – complaints: Why are you on duty so poorly? What kind of skirt? When was the last time you had your hair cut? Goodbye Children are also told only by foreign language teachers (in a foreign language). Why be surprised if we don’t hear “magic” words from children?

We paid special attention to phrases with which teachers praise students and express displeasure towards them, because these are the phrases that have the greatest emotional impact on students. We asked students from grades 5 to 11 to write down these words. It turned out that the favorite praise of our school teachers is Well done! In second place is the word smart girl on the third - Fine. The remaining expressions are combinations of these words: Well done. Okay, smart girl . As you can see, there is very little variety in praise. But in expressing displeasure, teachers are more creative and emotional:

Today, perhaps, who died or are you burying me? Only the maids are offended. Have you been watching porn films all night? Why did you come here in such a mess? It’s nice that among the expressions of displeasure, there were many in which teachers do not humiliate the student, but emphasize respect for his personality:.

You are capable of the best if you try. I think that tomorrow you will please me more We also asked the teachers themselves to name the expressions they use to praise and blame a student. Something interesting came up here. It turned out, for example, that the word Well done teachers, in their own opinion, speak much less often than their students hear. Praise, they believe, sounds more detailed and reasonable:

And yet there is much less variety of praise than variety of blame.

In general, a teacher looks much more attractive in the eyes of a teacher than a teacher in the eyes of a student. We also asked the teachers themselves to name the expressions they use to praise and blame a student. Something interesting came up here. It turned out, for example, that the word, Fine, Next, we decided to give students the opportunity to create their own praise and blame. The guys were asked to answer the question: “How would you praise a student and express displeasure towards him if you were in the teacher’s place?” We assumed that student-generated praise would be more interesting and varied than teacher-generated praise, but our assumption was not confirmed. We saw the same already sounded smart girl .

Interestingly, some students presented us with expressions that were more appropriate for a small child:

Oh my favorite! Well done, my little baby! We think that such phrases indicate an unsatisfied need for a kind word. Analyzing the expressions of displeasure that students choose for themselves, we were once again convinced that negative vocabulary is heard at school more often than positive. It is interesting that, while indignant at the harshness of some teachers, the students themselves are even more harsh:

Rascal! You idiots! Bastards!

It is known that in the Russian language there is more emotionally negative vocabulary than emotionally positive vocabulary. Our study confirmed the same. Despite this, we believe that an emotionally positive speech background should prevail at school. Teachers' speech can and should contribute to this. We offer a dictionary-reference book for teachers, “How to Praise a Student,” compiled based on materials from well-known Russian language dictionaries. We hope that our vocabulary will help teachers make praise more expressive.

The attached version of the dictionary is not complete and final; work on it is ongoing.

In addition, we are working on a dictionary of censures.
It will include words, expressions, proverbs, sayings that will help the teacher show his dissatisfaction with the student emotionally, witty and correctly.

A

Careful
Accuracy (precision) - the politeness of kings
B
Unmistakable
Without a hitch
Immaculate
Irreproachable
Unmatched
Thank you
Brilliant
Brilliant
Rich fantasy
Divine
Fight with yourself
Taking the bull by the horns
Board
Lead by example

Come to your senses

Letter to letter
Fast
IN
Polite
Fabulous
Great Army of Labor
Great minds converge
Loyal
Put your soul into it
Own your word
Lord of Doom
Attentive
Impressive
Contribute
Delightful
Rising luminary
Forward without fear and doubt
Quite enough

By the sweat of your brow

With all my soul
With all my heart
G

Genius is patience

Eyes are burning
Burns in my hands
D
Give a hundred points ahead
Benign
In good faith

Working up a sweat

Reliable

Soul and body

E
His example is a lesson to others

AND

Desired
Lively
Z
Funny
Set the tone
Tempting
Wonderful
Amusing
Deserved
Put it in your belt
Breathtaking
Knowledge is power

Know your worth

Knowing
Skillful fingers
AND
Follow in the footsteps
Sincere

Executive

Serviceable
Truly true
TO
Like on a picture
As written
A mosquito won't hurt your nose
Busy activity
Colossal

Correct

Beautiful
Whoever knows more gets the books
L

Logical

A ray of light in a dark kingdom
Curious
M

Master

Well done
Young people love us everywhere
N
Observant
Got smart
On high
Amazingly
On equal footing
To the glory
Resourceful
Science nourishes the young, gives joy to the old
Nayat
I don't believe my eyes
I don't believe my ears
Don't worry about it
Unusual

Beyond his years

Unrivaled
Tireless
ABOUT
Exemplary
One to one
Special
Heartily

Open

Great
Charming
P
First class
Appropriate
Get to the point
With sweat and blood
Correct
Legal
Excellent
Extol to the skies
Outdo yourself
Beautiful
Decent
Nice
High flying bird
Guiding star

R

Efficient
please
Developed
Luxurious
Reasonable

WITH

Themselves with a mustache
On par with the century
Bright head
With soul
Seven spans in the forehead
Seven sweats gone
Glorious
Sharp-witted
Smart
Savvy
With an open mind
Diligent
Swift
With a clear conscience
With feeling, with sense, with arrangement

T

Talented
Explanatory
Accurate
Hardworking
Thoroughly
A thousand times right

U

Confident
Amusing
Successful
Amazing
Relevant
Smart girl
Persistent
Successful

Every person needs praise and support. Encouragement from others gives strength, inspires and motivates you to new achievements. Moreover, if for adults encouragement and praise are expressed in an increase in bonus, promotion or another award, then for kids a kind word is enough for this.

Whether the baby draws his mother's portrait, brings home a good mark, takes out the trash or cleans up the house, in any of these cases he expects approval and praise addressed to him. But not all parents do this correctly and in a timely manner, thereby harming their child. What harm are we talking about and how to praise your child correctly? We'll talk about this in our article.

To begin with, parents should understand that support and praise are not the same thing. These concepts are certainly interrelated, but their meanings are completely different. For example, the word “well done” will never replace the words “I understand” or “I love”, although in real life it often does. This is where the negative consequences of inappropriate praise come to light.

Why is wrong praise harmful?

1. Getting used to praise
By regularly encouraging our baby with the words “good” and “well done,” we teach our child to these guidelines. That is, the child is constantly waiting for a parental reaction and approval from adults. And even as an adult, such a person cannot refuse praise, feeling the need for approval of the actions he performs. But the most dangerous thing is that he develops dependence on the opinions of people around him, which can be projected into life in the most negative way.

2. Loss of interest in the process
It is important to pay attention to one more aspect. Getting used to receiving a reward in the form of praise, the child stops doing anything for the sake of the result, because he is only interested in the parental reaction. For example, he creates an appliqué not for the sake of getting a beautiful picture, but solely for the sake of the words “clever” and “well done.” Moreover, the baby shows his best qualities, namely, kindness of soul, responsibility, care or generosity, only for the sake of affectionate words addressed to him, and not at all at the call of his heart. And this is another not the most favorable factor, which will definitely make itself felt in adulthood.

3. Manipulating a child through praise
When we say the phrases “excellent” or “well done” to the child, we try to hold the baby. But this is a real “method of reinforcement” in action. The essence of this method is to encourage every positive action of the object with a kind word or treat. In this way, the correctness of a particular behavior is consolidated in the object’s consciousness.

And it seems that what’s wrong with the reinforcement method? But when we encourage and praise a child for certain behavior, we don’t think about whether this is reasonable for the child himself. For example, is it right to scold a child for running around the apartment, and is it reasonable to praise him for sitting quietly in a chair? For the most part, this is exactly what we do. And for a child who has a lot of unspent energy, it is completely natural to run and jump all day. As a result, he humbly sits on a chair and suffers painfully, and all for the sake of the approval of dad and mom. However, a misunderstanding is brewing in the child’s head - why do completely harmless and positive things cause parental disapproval, are they really that bad and harmful? Such contradictions in a child’s mind can cause harm to the psyche.

4. Lack of joy for your successes
We often hear how parents rush to praise every action of their child. He went up the stairs - “Clever girl!”, fashioned a cake - “Oh, what a great fellow!” However, this is not the most correct approach to parenting, although some psychologists assure the public that by praising a child as often as possible, you orient him towards success. You need to praise your child correctly, and by praising every step of the baby, parents deprive him of the opportunity to independently enjoy his successes. Doing this over and over again, is it any wonder that a child, having painted a landscape with paints, does not run up to you with pride in himself and the question “Did I draw beautifully?”, but is immediately interested in “Am I great?”

5. Decreased motivation in the child
According to psychologists, if you constantly praise your child’s personal qualities, he will experience difficulties in the future when faced with difficulties. This is proven by research conducted by scientists from the USA. Two groups of students were asked to take a test. One group of kids was praised for their intelligence, saying, “You are good at the task,” while others were praised for their effort, “You tried really hard.” After this, two groups of children were asked to choose the next test, and they were offered two tasks to choose from, one more difficult, and the other similar to the previous one. It turned out that children who received praise for their efforts chose the most difficult test, while those kids who were encouraged by noting their intelligence chose the easier task.

As you can see, you still need to be able to praise a child. But how to do it right? Take note of the following advice from psychologists.

1. Praise children for specific actions
You need to celebrate your child’s successes in such a way that the baby understands what good he has done and why exactly it is good. For example, when looking at a child’s drawing, pay attention to the image itself: “You made a beautiful sun!”, “The bird looks like a real one!” On the contrary, try not to use phrases like “You are a real artist!”, “What a great guy you are!” Remember, even a child needs to be praised adequately, depending on the situation, paying attention to his actions, and not to his personality. In addition, you can make it clear that the child has completed a difficult task by saying: “Draw such a picture.” A mocking is very difficult!”

2. Always reinforce praise with nonverbal elements.
So that the baby feels the sincerity of your words and sees that you rejoice in his victories, and not just utter a standard set of phrases so that the baby “gets loose,” reinforce your words with smiles, hugs and kisses. In general, psychologists recommend hugging and kissing your child at least four times a day.

3. Don’t compare your baby with other children
This is a very common habit that you should get rid of as quickly as possible. Parents should understand that they cannot compare their child with other children, constantly focusing on the things that he did better than Kolya, Sasha or Dasha. In this way you develop a sense of superiority in the child. If this feeling rests only on parental praise, in the future it will be very painful for such a person to realize that he is no better than the conventional Sasha or Kolya.

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