Difficult relationship with mother. Relationship with mom Difficult relationship with mom

Many women do not understand how important a good relationship with their mother is. They suffer from the fact that it takes up too much space in their lives. The image of a condemning or approving figure, the need to earn her recognition is oppressive and does not allow you to start your own life. “Establishing a relationship with your mother means adding peace and confidence to your life and feeling happier,” says psychologist Terry Apter.

Often, daughters of domineering, order-giving, all-knowing mothers prefer to move to another city, country, or otherwise distance themselves. Behind the grandiosely dominant figure of their mother, it can be difficult for them to see an ordinary woman, just like them: with ups and downs, successes and disappointments, with the right to make mistakes, feelings and desires.

In order for mother and daughter to move on without losing each other, both need to go through mourning for the parent-child relationship that connected them before. Unfortunately, a smooth transition from the relationship between mother and child to friendship or at least mutual respect does not always occur.

On the mother's side: mourning for a daughter-child

A growing daughter is joy and pride. The results of the hard work put in, the sleepless nights, the tears wept. Reflection of the mother's appearance, character and habits in the new person. But a growing daughter also means sadness for her own youth, lost joys and unfulfilled dreams. Grief for your baby, irrevocable motherhood, a sense of your own significance.

The mother needs to see in her daughter a woman who will soon become or has already become a mother.

The mother needs to give up omnipotence - real or imaginary, become more flexible, see in her daughter a woman who will soon become or has already become a mother. The mother’s task is to convey to her daughter the correct maternal identification: the ability to see and respect a separate personality in her child.

According to Caroline Elyacheff and Nathalie Einish, French psychoanalysts and co-authors of the book “Mothers and Daughters: The Third Wheel,” only with this approach does a mother have the opportunity to “build a relationship with her daughter that, without erasing the past, allows you to find a compromise in the present.”

On the daughter's side: mourning for childhood

Sometimes the mother is not ready to let her daughter go, to accept the woman in her. Then the daughter can teach her a lesson, showing that she is already old enough, which means that their relationship involves equality and respect. But having separated, it is important to maintain respect for the mother.

For a woman, relationships with her mother are complicated by the fact that, despite all the resentments and misunderstandings, sooner or later she will have to identify with her in order to discover the maternal function in herself. The more acceptance a daughter can find in herself in relation to her mother, the less conflictual her own motherhood will be.

The growing up of a daughter is inevitably accompanied by the aging of the mother - sooner or later the asymmetry of power and care will turn upside down, the daughter will have to take on the responsibility of caring for her own mother. It is important for both to be able to agree and find a compromise before the mother loses the physical and/or mental ability to do so.

Watching the gradual decline of her mother, the daughter says goodbye to the person who brought her into this world, says goodbye to her childhood and at the same time loses the last barrier separating her from death.

Finding balance: realistic expectations

Deep down, we all want our relationship with our mother to be special and close. Unfortunately, reality often diverges from the ideal. This is not as bad as it might seem at first glance.

Try to imagine a real relationship - instead of an imaginary idyll, there is a place for mutual grievances and joys. Instead of an impeccably beautiful or, conversely, devilishly terrible image of a mother who lives in your soul, there is a real person with her own merits and demerits. This way you will be able to establish a more lively and sincere contact, and see ordinary human manifestations in your mother.

No matter how difficult your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.

American psychologist Paula Kaplan advises showing interest in your mother's story - looking at her life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. As a child, you may hold resentment and anger for some words, actions or inactions of your mother, but as an adult woman and assessing her life from the height of your experience, you may be able to understand, forgive and accept in some ways.

The generation of women who are now over 60 was brought up in conditions of acute scarcity and rigid moral principles, which could not but leave its mark on them, including as mothers.

As both mother and daughter mature and begin to become more familiar with each other's personalities, views, and values, the desire to break through the established roles of "mother-daughter" and achieve a deeper understanding becomes stronger.

Terry Apter believes that returning to earlier roles - a nagging mother or a capricious child - can interfere with the development of relationships in adulthood. “Speak in the full force of your adult personality,” the psychologist advises. “Then the mother is more likely to respond to you as an adult, rather than as a child.” No matter how difficult your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.

Respect is the first step to friendship

Maria, 38, recalls being completely devastated when her always active and successful mother suddenly became depressed, divorced her father and left for another country. “For many years I blamed her and wanted only one thing: for her to do everything differently and correct her mistake,” says Maria. “Only now do I understand how difficult this decision was for her, how wisely she acted - she stopped torturing herself, her father and all of us.” Maria believes that living in different countries helped them both distance themselves from the situation and reevaluate the past. Now they treat each other with great respect.

Time apart helped 60-year-old Alexandra get closer to her daughter. “When Anna left for Canada, we began to correspond. In letters it was easier than over the phone to express thoughts and feelings that we had never voiced in a live conversation. I missed her a lot, but for the first year I didn’t come to visit. I once wrote: “This is your time, enjoy it.”

There are no perfect mothers or perfect daughters.

Such a relationship with a mother is similar to friendship. Both mother and daughter are involved in each other's lives, but respect personal space. This allows them to overcome challenges and enjoy good news together. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, Anna behaved very nobly - she invited me to live with her, and I could see my granddaughter every day,” says Alexandra. “It’s as if we made an unspoken promise: we can be together, but at the same time, everyone lives and goes about their own lives, no matter how difficult it may be.”

There are no ideal mothers or ideal daughters. The main thing is that you definitely won’t have another mother. Having realized this, you can, if not stop being angry at your mother for her mistakes, then at least try to behave like an adult woman and build communication from this position. Then the relationship between you will become, if not ideal, but conscious, and your life will become calmer and happier.

How to make your relationship with your mother more mature

Show interest. What happened in your mother’s life besides motherhood? How was her childhood and youth? What did she dream about, what came true, what does she regret? Try to look at your loved one from the outside, not just as a daughter. This will provide an opportunity to re-evaluate the motives of her actions.

Look for similarities. Yes, you are different, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes. Maybe you have common hobbies or you like to cook for your loved ones, just like your mother once cooked for you. Ultimately, you are both women. The more sides you are willing to accept, the less resentment will poison your life.

Communicate. Try talking about something you've never talked about before. This way you can move away from the usual style of communication that was formed in childhood, and at the same time learn something new about a loved one.

Be direct. What do you expect from your mother, how do you see your relationship? If you express your position clearly and confidently, the other party is more likely to respect it. Ask your mother directly: “What can I do for you?” Remember, due to her upbringing, it is probably more difficult for her to say this. Pleasant little things that you can do to please each other will help you get closer. As a rule, mothers need so little.

Write a letter. Work on the internal attitude towards your mother that you carry within yourself. One of the ways to forgive and let go is to write a letter, expressing all your feelings, complaints and wishes.

Olga Korikova

Hello! I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
I am in a strong psychological dependence on my mother. In this regard, it is difficult for me to make decisions, to do something, I am lonely.

Olga Korikova

Hello, Ekaterina Krupetskaya! I came to this forum for the first time, because I really need help, advice from participants and psychologists, just people! Before, I was occasionally interested in the advice of psychologists, I read messages on various forums. Even 10-15 years ago, due to troubles in communication and relationships with people, I went to a psychologist, I needed advice. But more often I read various literature, including psychology. I wanted to limit myself to reading today too. But it's difficult for me now. I need support. Although I try to decide everything myself (what is within my power and capabilities).

It seemed to me that, to some extent, I could look at situations from a psychological point of view.
But... It's easier to give advice than to find yourself in a difficult situation.

I'll tell you about my problem. Since childhood, I lived in a rather complex family. With mother, grandmother and brother.
Because my mother’s life with my father was unbearably difficult, she returned to her mother and took us - me and my brother - with her. My childhood was very difficult. My grandmother didn’t like me, she bullied me, she put me under moral pressure (I often stayed at home with my grandmother as a child, because my mother went to work). My grandmother kept me in the highest tension, fear and obedience (although I did not understand this). She constantly, almost every day (with or without me) complained to my mother about me, my “disgusting character, laziness, selfishness, bad heredity (she said that I looked like my father), etc.” Although it was all a lie, everything that my grandmother said about me. I was a very open, kind, naive and vulnerable child.
I am not happy to remember this... Vice, prison, indifference - this is what my grandmother’s outwardly benevolent attitude towards me was like. What can I say if she didn’t love me so much that she dreamed that I would go to live with my father and often said this out loud...

My mother, unlike my grandmother, treated me completely differently... Mad Love, Adoration?
Very strong attachment? Even jealousy? A pity? It’s hard to say what my mother felt and feels for me... All this, all these feelings are there. And I treasure that, no doubt. But together with Love, my mother terribly, just pressed me hard and is pressing me! She lived and lives my life. She didn’t let me do anything since childhood, she made decisions for me. The slightest resistance on my part was met not only coldly by my mother, but often made scandals for me and in these scandals she “threw mud at me,” humiliated me, and again and again blamed me, reproached me and listed all my vices and shortcomings! And a day later - again affection and “lisping”, as with a little girl... And I was both 20 and 25 years old... Adoration and benevolence, and, quite possibly, after 2, 3 minutes coldness and even anger... then a scandal ... I lived with her “like on a powder keg,” absolutely not understanding what my mother would do or say in the next second...

I’m lonely, young, but I don’t have any friends or girlfriends... I don’t have and never had a personal life...

Olga Korikova, there are many feelings in your story, ambiguous and painful. I understand it's not easy to remember. Can you tell us a little about life today? How old are you? Do you still live with your mother? Is grandma alive? What is your relationship like with your brother?

Who are you by education and profession? Are you working? Do you provide for yourself financially? Do you have friends? How do you prefer to relax? What are your hobbies?

Olga Korikova

I am 36 years old. By education I am a technician - technologist (secondary technical) and a personnel manager (higher).
But I don't like it.

By the will of my relatives (my grandmother suggested) I entered at the age of 16 and studied at the assembly college (I hated it), by the will of my mother, against my will (there was a scandal again) at the age of 26 I entered the Institute of Management, Economics and Business (his hated me even more), even tried to transfer to another institute... in vain...

I was born and lived in a poor family. And even with people who “pray” for their beliefs! Conversation on the topic “Poor means an honest person, etc.” my grandmother led me every day, literally driving this position into us - me and my mother. Mom was also lonely and completely dependent on her grandmother (just some kind of moral slavery). Grandmother lived not so much her own life as the life of her mother - she constantly taught, gave advice, pressed... My mother behaves exactly the same way towards me. How painfully difficult this is...

Get a special job. It didn’t work out (and I didn’t want it), and so I worked wherever I had to.
The difficult conditions of the places where I worked for 15 years took away a lot, a lot of strength and health, I began to get sick a lot and often, I was often on sick leave...

I lived with my mother and grandmother and brother (who never loved me), studied, and worked. There were no friends or girlfriends. I had short relationships with people that quickly broke down and I was alone again.
I had and still have a very difficult, strained relationship with my brother... We don’t really have a relationship. And, however, I also feel dependent on him - I feel his dissatisfaction towards me (as if I always owe him something and owe him something)

I prayed to God to at least somehow live separately from my mother, because from the horror of living together, from the total, heavy control, demands and supervision, I almost “went crazy”... It so happened, circumstances developed that Mom temporarily moved to live in another city, and I live in another... My God, she again demands that I sell the apartment here as soon as possible and move to live with her forever!
Constant demands from her, always talking about moving, etc.

Lately I’ve been going to the Clinic for treatment (because I’ve had heart problems since childhood (mitral valve prolapse + added headaches (headache, worsened vision, etc.)) + the opportunity to just relax in another city, new experiences. .. Getting ready for a trip is a big problem for me. I am alone, in poor health, I get tired quickly, and talking on the phone with my mother is depressing, overwhelming (talks about my unsettlement, about the need to move in with her, about poverty, etc. ) I just “give up" and don’t want to do anything. I cry all the time... I try to hold on, but it’s difficult for me.

Grandmother passed away in 2008. I thought that nightmare, that anger, that hatred was behind me... But my mother no less poisons and terrorizes me with her heavy guardianship...

I'm not working right now. I haven't worked since 2014. My last job was in a government organization (something like the police), I was not certified. But it was very difficult for me there. Bullying of colleagues, misunderstanding and + just a very difficult, tense atmosphere in the organization itself... Finding a job in a provincial city is very difficult. If there are no connections, etc. All this depresses me. + loneliness...

Olga Korikova, it’s clear that you are in a difficult state inside, there is some kind of hopelessness in your story. If you haven't worked for about two years, how do you live?

Does your brother also depend on your mother or does he have his own life? Is he married and does he have children? Where does he live?

Is your mother still working or not? Does she have a personal life? Do you know anything about your father? Did you communicate with him as an adult?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, I will try to answer.

About hopelessness in life, you are right. Since childhood, due to difficult relationships in the family, I often did not want to live... Also, due to the lack of vitality, illness, weakness, complexes and inability to do something, it was also very difficult for me then and now, sometimes not I wanted to live...

This state inside has always been there now. But this is, as it were, just a part of my inner state... Because I love life very much, full of joy and optimism, the desire to act, discover new things, meet people, be loved, discover my creative potential, etc. That’s how it was Always. This seems contradictory only at first glance.

I would also like to gain financial independence from my mother. In general, I would like to get out of poverty and a lonely state...

As for my father, our relationship with him, this is a separate topic. Believe me, sometimes I can’t believe that I am the daughter of such a person... My mother’s life with this person (she was married for 8 years) was unbearable! My father is a very simple, primitive, narrow-minded person. He never physically did anything around the house, mom did everything, he just used her as property. Weak and indecisive, selfish and a consumer - he stole money from his mother, lost his mother's money at cards, demanded more and more... He oppressed her into sex. plan - even showed violence. She was disgusted to be with him in this regard (and in all other plans of life, everyday life, etc.), but she endured, obeyed and was afraid of him... The last years of her marriage to him began to threaten her health and life and also her life children... He even made several attempts to get rid of us - mother and his children - once he turned on all the gas stoves without lighting the fire, tightly closed all the windows and doors and... went outside and waited for us to suffocate.. Scandals and threats, showdowns were constant, he even beat his mother (even when she was pregnant) and constantly demanded money, food and sex!
This is not a person - it is rather a disgusting animal or plant, some kind of slug, or a leech that attaches itself to someone and uses... It’s embarrassing to say, but I will say... When I was a 2-4 year old baby he (when Mom wasn’t at home or she didn’t see) he took off his panties, touched his place and let me, his daughter, play with “his toy,” as he said...

My mother lived with my father for 8 years... At the age of 6, my mother (she divorced) and my brother went to live with my grandmother (my mother’s mother)... I have already told a little about the hell that my life with my grandmother was.. From the age of 6, thank God, I never saw my father again, but I suffered painfully from the lack of male paternal affection (just not this “father”)...

My brother has a family. Wife and son. They live separately from us... But from them one can feel (even at a distance) anger and demands and claims towards us - towards me and my mother... Everyone should always... to these people...

Mom works and receives a pension. I live on this pension and + some savings (in the bank). I barely have enough to live on, I try to limit myself in everything... And it’s painful...

Mom does not and never had a personal life. And no friends. She is now “into the rapport” of religion, forcing religious literature on me, asking me to go to church, again putting pressure, teaching and hearing only herself...

It’s just difficult for me to figure this out without help... My Soul hurts from this strong addiction and mental suffering...

As I understand, you are a thinking person, you strive to understand yourself, for example, with the help of books and articles on psychology. What advice would you give to yourself based on what you understand and know about your situation?

You emphasize that you consider the main problem to be your mother’s persistent, if not obsessive, attention to you and her overprotection. At the same time, you write that you have a number of serious illnesses, do not work and do not see any opportunities to get a job - both because the small town does not provide opportunities for this and due to health problems. You live on your mother's pension. How, in your mother’s place, would it be possible to leave you, as it seems to you, taking into account the fact that you are sick and are not able to take care of yourself in a material sense? How would you see the resolution of this contradiction?

Did I hear correctly that the overall topic of relationships is very important for you? From what you wrote, it is clear that you did not have satisfying relationships with all the people who were significant to you since childhood (mother, grandmother, brother, father) and with all the other people from your outer circle. What do you yourself, taking into account your knowledge in the field of psychology, think on this issue?

Olga Korikova

Good morning, Ekaterina! Thank you for being with me.

I will try to explain, as far as possible, what my aspirations and desires are, what I expect and what I myself think about this. And about what torments me so much, torments me, worries me...

When I was 18 years old, I turned to a male psychologist due to serious troubles in my relationship with a young man. The fact is that he put pressure and humiliated me morally, especially in front of my classmates. I was afraid to go to technical school because he pestered me almost every day. We had sexual contact (he gave me a sexually transmitted infection), and then his sexual advances became constant and often in full view of everyone...
I turned to a psychologist... He helped me to some extent. But rather in complacency, rather than in solving the problem. I had to resort (on the advice of a friend) to the help of the police (I wrote a statement against him to the prosecutor's office, they forwarded the statement to the police)... After the policeman talked with him, this guy, the attacks on me stopped...

What advice could I give to myself? I have already given it to myself - I decided to turn to a psychologist through the forum, because I believe and am convinced that you cannot run from wise advice, from those thoughts, from the vision of the situation that an experienced and qualified psychologist has, because the problem mine lies precisely in the field or space of psychology... Your advice and questions, Ekaterina, are very interesting to me, because you see everything from a different point of view. I spoke in my message about problems with my mother, and you suddenly asked me about my father, I was even somehow surprised and confused, because I myself had not thought about it at all...

This is not at all about the fact that I want to leave completely or break off relations with my mother, because her support, both moral and material, is absolutely necessary for me, because I am completely alone. I am by no means refusing to support her. And I don’t want to leave her and not support her myself! No! This is a very close and dear person to me. The point is that since childhood, and then getting worse and worse, I have been and have been in a strong, painful, oppressive dependence on my mother. She is also dependent on me, because she has been lonely all her life and she herself was in such a heavy, unbearable dependence on her mother.

I want to learn, try to distance myself from my mother. But I don't know how to do it. I am looking for protection from this constant unrelenting pressure of her on me and I would like not to put pressure on her either. We have somehow become too close, it bothers me when my mother gets into my Soul, teaches me, and does not allow me to live on my own... I physically cannot do anything around the house (of course I do, but with excruciating difficulties), especially when we will quarrel with my mother (yesterday, we literally spoke on the phone again, she is dissatisfied, demands, claims) ...

About relationships, you are absolutely right. This topic has been very significant to me since childhood.
It’s painful to talk about this and strange, but... it’s necessary... My relationships with people didn’t work out. I was mostly alone; I did not encounter or feel any warmth or understanding (despite my openness and trust) even from my mother. I lived in fear, constant tension, haste... I (as I began to understand) was an unloved child from childhood, I accepted harsh attitudes towards me as the norm, etc. Sometimes it seems to me that I will never be loved, happy, I can’t find friends, that loneliness is my destiny, etc. I’m trying to change myself, improve myself...

Olga, how do you like the idea of ​​trying to write a short essay on the topic: “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

Let's imagine that, for example, you wake up one fine day and realize that this problem is no longer in your life. At all! At the same time, your mother has not gone anywhere, and you continue to receive support from her to the extent necessary for you, but this does not have any painful consequences. Let's imagine? Please write what feelings do you experience this morning when the problem seems to have disappeared? What you are doing? How is your day going?..

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, it seems to me that I am a fairly strong person. But, after reading your message and suggestions, I almost burst into tears... I could barely hold back the tears that came to my eyes... I could never even seriously think about it! This is some kind of incredible, fantastic and unrealizable happiness for me!

What will I do, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”? I am so shocked and shocked that I don’t even know what to say... From birth until I was 36 years old, I lived and live in this grave condition, it became the sad norm of my life, and suddenly this will not happen... And at the same time, my mother will be in a good state of health, life and joy! My God! How I want it! How I dream!

Forgive me for this emotionality of mine, the expression of feelings, but I expected something different from you... I thought that you might ask or offer to tell me in more detail how this control and even terror of my mother is manifested, but you suddenly so calmly, without hesitation, talk about imagining a picture of life that is completely impossible for me... I am very grateful to you for this! Since I’m trying to think about such a turn and about freedom in my relationship with my mother, and this, believe me, is such a balm for the soul!

So, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

I saw the world differently! With this, I would have gained Faith simply in freedom in relationships with people, because I didn’t have this before...

I would get up early, early in the morning (because every minute of life is precious), I would admire the sunrise, and cry from the happiness of inner freedom!.. Peace and Joy would fill my soul, dreams would carry me into the endless distance of the future! I would think about my mother, mentally wishing her happiness and good luck...
Without haste and without feeling guilty, I would prepare breakfast, and open the window in the kitchen, enjoying the singing of birds and the splendor of nature...

Because I am a self-sufficient person, I would strive for an independent image and way of life. Because it is necessary to live, eat, and dress at my own expense - I would work, and only at the job that corresponds to my desires (creative process). And therefore I would come to work, work, communicating with colleagues, but keeping a natural distance. On this day I would call my friends, and I would be pleased if they called me too. I'm not talking about long conversations (because at work this is inconvenient and impossible), but about a few minutes. and then perhaps during breaks from work.

In the evening I would like to spend time with a loved one - a man. But not every evening. I would like to spend time with friends, girlfriends in a cafe or other place. I really love to dance, sing, laugh, joke, and I would probably not be a boring person for my friends.
My God! How difficult it is to write, I don’t know what! I want freedom, travel, self-improvement, to create and realize my plans! I like creativity in different aspects - artistic, music and dance, cinema, books, theater! I write poetry, I like to understand and rise above the situation...

I probably would have cleaned the whole apartment, washed the windows and washed the curtains!

It’s a stupid desire, isn’t it, to wash the curtains? I just never washed or ironed or cleaned (my mother did everything against my will), she felt sorry for me...

And, of course, on this day and others, I would think warmly about my mother and sometimes call her, perhaps she would sometimes, and not every day, call me...

I read it myself now... it’s all some kind of sand castle... stupid dreams...

some kind of immaturity...

and it also became so painful, as if someone had torn me away from my mother, like tearing off a piece of skin and... throwing it in the trash...

Olga Korikova, what serious work you are doing on yourself now! This, in my opinion, is very healing. And the fact that after feeling freedom and experiencing this pleasant fantasy in all respects, you came with a feeling of melancholy, a feeling of abandonment, only confirms how much of a right step you took in your thoughts. Of course, the presence of even just a strong attachment to a person can be very seriously limiting, and the presence of such a long and difficult dependence - even more so.

The moments you described did not seem infantile to me - not at all. Quite the contrary, there was a feeling that the reasoning was that of an adult, free person who controls his life, knows what he wants and enjoys life. For some reason it seems to me that this part of you is very strong. Olga, tell me if you try to implement, without shelving, some of the things you wrote about. Well, for example, could you clean the apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains? If you try to imagine that this is your first step towards freedom and the fulfillment of your desires, and not someone else’s... How do you like this idea?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, thank you for your support! Your opinion is very important to me!

I am glad that you did not find my dreams and desires infantile.

Because I could, and I expected rather the opposite. What, perhaps, you would tell me (as many of those around me (for example, at work) or someone I knew) said that I was “having my head in the clouds” and that’s how I am - weak and incapable of action - " mama's daughter." And that there is nothing to do with some kind of dependence on my mother, because I simply made it up (this dependence), etc., etc. Mom herself said this more than once, everyone said so, and I was just convinced, rooted in the feeling, that I am such a “rag,” a weak-willed creature, the daughter of the same weak-willed and pathetic father, etc. All my life I tried to change, looked for methods for this, read a lot of different literature, tried to overcome myself in life, situations, etc.

Regarding the first step - eg. clean the apartment, wash the windows, etc. I did it a long time ago. But it was and is painfully difficult since childhood. Now I live alone and do everything on my own, but I literally have to force myself to clean, cook, etc. Once I put things in order, put everything away, it lasts for a maximum of 2-3 days, then I stop doing anything at all, “I give up.” ", the melancholy, the burden of guilt, the state of loneliness are pressing, and in order to make it at least a little easier, I watch various funny programs and films on the Internet (in which there is love, and laughter, and friends and a person is free...), it becomes easier, and Everything around is cluttered, garbage, unwashed dishes, abandoned things...

It must be said that grandmother and mother, at the suggestion of grandmother, always maintained cleanliness and order throughout their lives, they worked constantly and very hard! And they (such a paradox), unlike me, had just a sea of ​​vitality, a lot, some kind of fire!.. You can say they “prayed for cleaning, washing, work, work and work again”... And therefore, my grandmother simply hated me - because I was weak, sickly and even infirm (because I had no vitality at all). Cleaning for me was always a painful problem, I hated cleaning, the dacha (because my mother and grandmother spent a lot of time there), and I was with them...

But they were very lonely. But my father and even my grandfather - these people did absolutely nothing around the house (their wives did everything), and they were sloppy, lazy, aggressive, cold, with big pretensions, but they still somehow communicated with friends... My father's level of development in all aspects was very low.
With horror, I see in myself his hateful traits - weakness of will and insignificance and praise of his insignificance and eternal complaints, illness, discontent, and low level of intelligence...
And at the same time, the features of a mother and, probably, a grandmother. Since childhood, I have loved cleanliness, order, comfort, beauty in everything.
And an unbridled desire for knowledge, development, improvement!

But! This is extremely difficult to implement. When I lived with my mother, she could directly say, ask, even somehow order me to do something, I agreed with difficulty, pain and internal heaviness, cleaned up or went shopping, etc. And then lay down on the sofa and lay inactive for several days. I only dreamed of leaving my mother...

It is morally difficult for me to clean up, to do anything at all, I start to rush, fuss, scold myself, even demand! I have always had and still have the feeling that inside (especially when I’m trying to do something or communicate with someone) I’m simply tied up with ropes and chains, twisted! But again and again I overcome myself, do something... after futile attempts, I stop doing anything at all and spend hours, days, or aimlessly, sadly lying on the couch or communicating with people on social media. networks (mainly by men). For some reason they write the same “freaks”, excuse me, like my father or brother... And even worse...

Olga Korikova, it seems to me that you have now, in many ways, already realized what you say that you only dream about: You live separately from your mother, no one can force you to do what you don’t want, right? You communicate with men on the Internet, so there is a chance that you want to meet one of them. Perhaps such meetings have already taken place?

What do you think would be the right next step in distancing yourself from your mom?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, you are undoubtedly right. To some extent, I have already realized my dreams, especially since I have been fighting and fighting for this for so many years! And I will fight! BUT! This is too much, this is very, this is insignificantly little compared to the thoughts that fill me, the desires that carry me forward!..

It is possible to compare this with the prisoner who spent his whole life in a dungeon, and he was lucky enough to breathe a little air, and perhaps a little more water... But he is tied up, and is not free from ropes and chains.
The rope or chains have probably become a little longer... But he painfully understands and feels that he is a prisoner...

It is no coincidence that I wrote that I would cry with happiness if I were free from the grip of this addiction and that I would open the windows every morning. This, as I myself understand, is an internal desire for freedom! Even now I open the window or windows, and it’s easier to breathe, but inside it’s like an anchor and an unbearable weight...

Mom told me (since I was very interested in this question) about her relationship with her mother... I asked mom why did you leave her for another city? Mom answered that she wanted freedom. That it was very hard for her from the vice, pressure, authoritarianism, and eternal unsolicited advice from her mother. I asked my mother if she had freedom in her relationship with her mother, she answered sadly and in surprise, “No! What freedom I was suffocating from control, heavy atmosphere, etc.”

It seems to me that my mother inherited this position of authoritarian behavior from her mother...

What steps am I going to take to distance myself from my mom? It's a difficult question...
But I'll try to answer it...

I think that you need to break off your previous relationship with your mother, destroy it, somehow untie it or something, because they have already completely outlived their usefulness! BUT! I find this to be a very painful and difficult process for both of us! I would like to take these steps and do so as not to force myself, not to force, not to upset and worry my already vulnerable mother. Take these steps as delicately as possible, BUT... DO IT!..

Otherwise, I don’t see the possibility of any changes...

Ekaterina, I noticed that I was too immersed in my mother’s life and allowed her to immerse herself in mine!
Perhaps, if I stop talking in detail and generally talking about my life, every day, what I ate, what hurts, what I did, who I communicate with and (!) I don’t constantly “live her life,” then this will be my step towards trying distance yourself from your mother.

I also think that you need to start SERIOUSLY, calmly and already accept independent life as a given! Although now my mother demands that I move to live with her forever! But! Not only am I not in a hurry, but I am trying to soberly, calmly, and weigh the situation. I’m putting off moving, but I’m doing everything possible (I even went to this psychological forum) to prevent this from happening. I’m trying to restructure my thoughts and views... Living together will destroy both of us! This (as I, with surprise, begin to understand) cannot be allowed!

As for communicating with men, that’s a separate issue. Fear of them... and the only thing I can do is correspond with each other (there is no talk of any meetings, I have not met any of them). And these men, they are worse than animals, forgive me, but this is so...

Olga Korikova, tell me, at what moment do you feel the strongest dependence on your mother? Can you try to describe it? While talking to her or immediately after? Or is it not related to the conversation at all? Who usually calls: you mom or she you? How is the conversation going? Does this happen daily? Who stops talking?

Adult daughters often complain that their mothers are trying to teach them about life and scold them for communicating incorrectly or too harshly with their husbands. In turn, the daughters demonstrate with all their might their wealth and independence, they say, I’ll figure out my own life.

Needless to say, what such situations lead to when one side presents them in the form of claims and moralizing, while the other does not want to see at least something good in them. In this case, both mother and daughter suffer.

Is it possible to improve relationships with your mother in adulthood and find harmony in the family?

“Because mother and daughter tend to have very close relationships, they are potentially fraught with both great joy and great pain. Particularly painful is the fact that both feel the abnormality of irritation and alienation, which, in their opinion, should not arise between them. When this happens, both people really suffer,” says Paula Kaplan, Ph.D., author of Don't Blame Your Mother.

We will give you some tips that will help you get closer to your dearest person, leaving behind endless quarrels.

Since mother and daughter tend to have very close relationships, they are potentially fraught with both great joy and great pain.

Take her place. Of course, the nature of the conflicts between mother and daughter may be different, but the vast majority of experts in psychology assure that the basis very often lies in maternal dissatisfaction with her own life. A growing daughter is joy and pride, but at the same time, it is also sadness over her own youth and unfulfilled dreams.

Health problems, unsuccessful plans, and failure to realize one’s own ambitions lead to periodic dumping of negative emotions on loved ones.

Maybe you should wait for the right moment and have a heart-to-heart talk with her? Try to build relationships that, without erasing the past, will allow you to find a compromise in the present.

Look for balance. American psychologist Paula Caplan advises looking at your mother's life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. The generation of our mothers (women who are now over 60) was raised in conditions of an acute deficit in emotions and intolerance to the manifestation of individual feelings.

As a child, you may hold grudges because of lack of attention, or some actions of your mother, but as an adult woman, you may be able to understand the reasons for such behavior, and try to forgive and accept.

As mother and daughter grow older, their desire to break through the established mother-daughter roles becomes stronger. In this case, psychologists advise speaking to your mother in the full force of your adult personality. Then the mother is more likely to respond to you as an adult, rather than as a child.

Take advice. It is very important for mom to know that you need her no less than 20 years ago. Ask her how she prepares her signature dish, or ask her for advice on tablecloths.

Your mother will see that she is still the authoritative person to whom you turn for help first and that her life experience, which has been accumulated over the years, is being applied.

Yes, you are complete opposites with your mother, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes

Find clues in conversations. Try to voice your dissatisfaction correctly. Instead of the phrase “you never listen to me, you don’t care how I feel!” you can say “please listen to me, I’m sure you will understand me,” and the words “of course, you have the most terrible daughter in the world!” It’s better to replace it with “your praise means a lot to me.”

Rethink Mom's Actions. We harbor a grudge against our mother for years, without trying to understand the situation and answer the question of what we would do in her place. At the same time, actions that seemed unfair to us may, in fact, be rational and balanced.

Why the connection between the two closest people turns out to be not even ambivalent, but polyvalent, argues psychologist Ekaterina Ignatova.

Once upon a time you were one with her, you lived in her belly for nine months, enjoying symbiosis and total acceptance. Then she was born: the obstetrician slapped you on the bottom, you began to breathe and mourn the loss of that state in which there was no loneliness. Thus began the separation from your mother - the process in which your character was formed. Through her actions or inaction, your mother influenced your personality and future destiny. It was from her that you learned what love is. If she was warm and accepting, you concluded that love and intimacy were safe. If she was cold and inattentive, she decided that intimacy was a very risky adventure. She told you what you were like, and you believed her unconditionally.

“Nice and neat” or “sloppy and restless” - these definitions turned out to be carved into the granite of our unconscious. In adolescence, many tried to amend these statements, but not a single eraser can erase what is carved in granite. Later, we began to discuss more calmly with my mother, defend our point of view, and often disagree. However, no matter what they say, no matter how they behave, both at thirty and at forty we unconsciously want to achieve her attention and approval or prove the right to our own opinion, to be heard and understood.

The process of separation from the mother begins simultaneously
with our birth and lasts much longer than it might seem at first glance. You can get married, give birth to your own children, move for permanent residence to another continent and still remain connected to her by an invisible umbilical cord. And we are not talking about love, intimacy and gratitude to the person who gave us life. This invisible thread is woven from grievances, claims and misunderstandings. Every mother loves her child, and not one of them can give him exactly what he would like. An acceptance that existed for the first nine months of his life. This impossibility gives rise to painful sensations that psychoanalysts call narcissistic injury. Moreover, many mothers often end up bankrupt. Tired, unsure of themselves, anxious, they want, but cannot, be a support - neither for themselves nor for their daughters.
Real separation and growing up, which is not associated with reaching puberty, issuing a certificate or receiving a stamp in a passport, begins with an attempt to understand your parents, to see them as people, with their strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, accepting your mother is not always easy, but only by doing this can you truly accept yourself and not repeat her mistakes.

LOVE-RESULT
Lena began reading at the age of three, adding and subtracting at four, and at five she went to music school, where she became an excellent student and a star. Mom always admired her talents and told everyone how smart her daughter was. The ideal picture began to fade the moment Lena graduated from school - the girl entered the university, where she barely passed exams with C grades, moved out from her parents to the first man she came across with an apartment, soon married him, gave birth to a child and settled at home. No one could understand how this smart and talented girl from such a wonderful family could choose such a ridiculous fate for herself. And why she was talking to her mother through clenched teeth was also unclear. After all, she did everything for her. Hand on heart, Lena herself could not figure out her motives. To find answers to her questions, she turned to a psychotherapist for help. During consultations, she talked about her childhood, about her mother, who constantly sat in the next room and read. That she always lacked simple human attention. And that the parents were only puzzled by what other group to enroll their child in. Lenin's mother realized her own ambitions through her daughter, while completely ignoring the girl's needs. She saw in Lena her improved copy or, in psychoanalytic language, her narcissistic extension. Having grown up, Lena chose a very strange way to prove her right to individuality - she went on strike. She tried in vain to get from her parents the unconditional acceptance that she so lacked as a child.
Insecure and at the same time ambitious mothers do not know what they are doing. Without noticing the needs and characteristics of their own child, they provoke the emergence of severe resentment in him. The lack of acceptance with which they treat their little daughter ricochets back years later. Growing up, girls refuse to visit their parents on weekends and talk to them through their lips. The feeling of resentment turns out to be soldered into love, and it is possible to separate these feelings only by finding yourself in a psychologist’s office.

LOVE-JEALOUSY
Alice was the second child in the family. When she was born, her older sister Marina was already learning Chopin. And this is in the second grade of music school! The parents began to nurture the young talent, and Alice was raised according to the residual principle. She tried to compete with her sister, but nothing worked out. The handicap was too great. Alice was not angry, she accepted the situation as it was. More precisely, she repressed anger and jealousy by doing what she did well: helping her mother with cooking and cleaning. Then life put everything in its place - the talented Marina, having graduated from the conservatory, married an alcoholic, quit the orchestra in which she played, gave birth to a child and buried her hopes of winning the Tchaikovsky competition. Alice, unexpectedly for everyone, made a career in show business - however, as a director and administrator. We must pay tribute to my mother: having realized her mistakes, she asked Alice for forgiveness. True, it's a little late. By that time, my daughter had turned 35, and her whole life was subordinated to the idea of ​​proving her own usefulness.
Even with irrefutable evidence of their success, unloved daughters feel insecure. They walk through life wearing T-shirts invisible to the eye with the inscription “Number Two.” If they don't wash it, they bring their mother back to them - they take on the solution to all her problems, provide financial and moral support. And having received a precious prize, they don’t really know how to use it. Secret jealousy, anger and resentment do not allow you to fully enjoy the victory. Awareness and reliving of these negative feelings, liberation from them can make it possible to build a warm and close relationship with the one who once made such a mistake by confusing the process of raising children with playing at the racetrack.

LOVE-DENIAL
Olya said all her life: “I am daddy’s daughter.” As a child, she complained that her mother did not know how to play, and as a teenager she claimed that her mother was a boring person. Her whole life was subordinated to the principle: listen to your mother and do the opposite. Mother was a physicist - Olya became a lyricist, mother loved to cook - Olya could only cook a sandwich and scrambled eggs, mother got married early - Olya changed men like gloves. Her daughter spoke to her exclusively in a jokingly dismissive tone.
By thirty-three, the number of Olya’s gentlemen had somehow decreased sharply; she began to visit home more often and take an interest in pasta recipes.
If a girl went to a psychotherapist, she would find out that girls adopt the life script from their mother, more or less repeating her behavior patterns and partly their fate. Convinced daddy's daughters, as a rule, follow the anti-script, that is, they try to do everything differently from their mother. However, our unconscious does not suspect
about the existence of the particle “not” and transforms the program “not like mom” into “just like mom.” Sooner or later, daddy's girls come to what they were running from. For example, they become boring and homely. Moreover, the more they resemble their own mother, the more irritation she causes in them. In order not to step on this rake, it is very important to be not against someone, but for something. Teenage rebellion and denial are very important to turn
to a peaceful rally with positive slogans. Then and only then can you become yourself and at the same time come to an agreement with your mother.

LOVE-DISTRUST
Katya's mother was a bright, emotional, contradictory woman. She liked to perform various kinds of performances; there were always many guests in their house. She could hug her three-year-old daughter, and then make scary faces and pretend to be Baba Yaga. She could praise Katya in front of guests, and then tell some funny story, from which it clearly followed: her daughter is a rather absurd creature. In general, the girl lived like on a volcano, never knowing what to expect from her mother. At the age of six, she decided not to share anything secret with her. When Katerina turned 15, she began to spend most of her time with friends, and at 18 she ran away from home to her boyfriend. Mom wondered why her beloved child treated her so cruelly. The child tried to call home as little as possible.
Mothers who convey double messages to their little daughters usually receive a distant, formal attitude in return. This does not mean that they become indifferent to their grown-up girls, no. They're just afraid to shorten the distance and get punched in the gut again. “Controversial” mothers, of course, know ways to trick their daughters into emotions: from time to time, completely unexpectedly, they attack them with reproach or, conversely, inappropriate affection, hit the emotional jackpot and retreat.

LOVE IS WINE
Throughout Masha’s childhood, her mother worked three jobs - her father was a research assistant, and in those days it was impossible to survive on his salary. The woman had no time or energy left for calf tenderness and attention to children. At some point, my father was offered to work abroad, but it was time for Masha to go to school, and for her older brother to go to college, and the parents refused the tempting offer. When the girl finished school, her mother hired the best tutors. There were no longer three jobs, but one, but that didn’t make things much easier - mom rarely came home before nine in the evening. Masha entered on a budget, graduated from college with honors and very quickly found a job in a good company. Now he and his brother covered most of the family budget. Of course, Masha could not give half her salary to her parents, but rent an apartment and start living separately, as she had long wanted. But she felt obligated to help them just as they had once helped her. And deny yourself in much the same way as mom and dad did back in the day.

Masha found herself tied to her parents not with threads, but with ropes. For many years, the mother shifted responsibility for her failures onto her daughter and cultivated in her a sense of duty and guilt. Having consulted with a psychotherapist, she returned to her childhood feeling of uselessness and realized the fact that she was now trying to prove her usefulness to her mother and exchange the “debt” for freedom. But since she indirectly accused Masha of the fact that because of her she and her father had lost certain opportunities that were given only once, her daughter had no choice but to repay the favor. That is, to give up the maximum number of opportunities - read, from your own full life. At some point, Masha fiercely hated her mother and began to explain all her problems by the fact that she was raised incorrectly. The path to realizing that as adults we ourselves are responsible for our victories and defeats turned out to be thorny.
You can put an end to this painful game only by leaving the paradigm of guilt and starting a conversation with yourself and your mother in terms of responsibility. At the same moment it will become clear: it is impossible to win a senseless and merciless war - a conflict with mom. While the fight lasts, both sides only lose.

Hello! My name is Olga. I’m 29 years old. My mother and I live together, my father has been gone for 3 years. Scandals with my mother have been going on for more than a year, not even three days go by without us having a fight. She finds fault with everything, I don’t She cleaned up like that, she didn’t prepare it properly, and she expresses this when we quarrel. It feels like when we don’t quarrel, it accumulates inside her, and when she quarrels, she pours it all on me. She begins to insult me, humiliate me. She She began to drink often, and more often she does it because she has nothing to do. She has friends, I’m trying to get her to go with them to the cinema or to a cafe, in general to socialize, not to sit at home. She says that she doesn’t want to, although she’s on the phone with hangs with them for hours. But when I go somewhere (to my girlfriends or to my boyfriend), I immediately become a slacker and am guilty of everything under the sun. My boyfriend doesn’t suit her. We’ve been together for a long time, but I haven’t signed yet we’re going, we’re happy with it, we have our own plans for this. He doesn’t have anywhere to live, there’s a two-room apartment, three of us live, he, his brother and his mother. I got an apartment from my grandmother, but we decided to rent it out for now, I need money too I haven’t found a job yet. It’s too expensive to rent. I tried to explain this to her, she seems to take it normally at first, but during a scandal she tries to convince me that he is not the person I need and that I’m a fool for contacting him, etc. .He is an absolutely ordinary young man, he works, tries to achieve heights in his career, he helps us whenever possible. I suspect that when he and I start living together and separately from my mother, she will not tolerate this and will pester us with all possible options. Once there was such a case, I went to see a young man for the weekend, so the next morning she called me and said that she felt bad, I arrived right away and, as it turned out, this was done so that I would just come home. I was in shock, Why all this, because she herself was my age and dated young people. So today we had a fight. I went on business (or rather, my boyfriend and I). When I arrived home, my mother had already drunk (just like that, she wanted it that way) , began to talk to me in a raised voice, I tried to answer calmly, but when she drank more and started screaming and calling me names, I could no longer stand it and shouted too. She accused me that I was not traveling on business, but had deceived her and was I don’t know where. I sometimes feel like I’m developing complexes from so many scandals and insults. And I noticed that after I get very nervous, my head starts to hurt. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to live peacefully. I can’t even talk to her about this topic calmly, she begins to raise her tone and deny everything. She considers her insults to be the norm. I’m terribly tired. Advise something. Thank you.

 

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